This is not a guide to becoming perfect. It’s a guide to becoming
powerful on your terms.
INTRODUCTION
It takes a village to raise a child. A village to nurture a teenager. And a village to cheer them on throughout adulthood. Yet, in recent decades, that village has practically become extinct. Economic pressures have left families feeling overworked, overwhelmed, and overstressed with little time and energy to support and cheer on the next generation of powerhouse women—leaders, creatives, rock star moms, trailblazers, and community enthusiasts. Digital communication has replaced face-to-face interaction. And while social media may give the illusion of connection, it doesn’t offer the same wholehearted encouragement, wisdom, and insight that communal and multigenerational relationships once did. And then there are those who feel isolated due to relocation, depression, divorce, and tragic loss. Where’s their tight-knit tribe? And who can they look to when facing important—and sometimes life-altering—choices?
The landscape of the proverbial village has changed, and the shift has left a hollow space—one that begs to be filled. Consider the following:
- Women today have more career opportunities than ever before . . . but less of a village to help them seize those opportunities confidently and assertively, without second-guessing themselves.
- We’re feeling more empowered to pursue our passions . . . but have less of a grassroots cheering squad shouting, “You Got This!” from the sidelines.
- We’re encouraged to lean in . . . but we’re hearing fewer communal and societal words of wisdom when we miss the mark—a community rallying around us, reminding us that strike three doesn’t mean we’re out.
This good news–bad news dichotomy raises the question, Where can women find support and sage advice when navigating the decisions, the triumphs, the hurdles, the self-doubt, and the ebb and flow of early-to-mid adulthood?
The village has shrunk, while the need for it has expanded.
Honest Lessons on Life, Love, and Leveling Up is my contribution to the diminishing village. After coaching thousands of people over the past fifteen years, raising a son and daughter, and yes, having the perspective of seeing my own twenties and thirties in the rearview mirror, I’ve gained insights that—if time travel were possible—I would have excitedly shared with my younger self. Instead, I’m sharing them with you.
Originally intended as a literary blueprint for my daughter, Madison, I started jotting down bullet-pointed life lessons. Some of those lessons I learned the easy way, some the hard way, and others by simply observing the cause and effect that played out among friends and family. As a mom, I felt a deep desire to help my daughter make smart choices; to give her the benefit of everything I had done right as well as the benefit of everything . . . Well, let’s just say everything I would have done differently, had there been a do-over. I also wanted to bequeath maternal words of wisdom from my mom, Norma, and her mom, Grandma Libby. Sure, societal norms have changed over the years. But human nature has not. This would be a gift—my gift—to my daughter.
I continued to scribble down thoughts, mentally fast-forwarding to the time when these insights would have the greatest impact on the trajectory of her life. One day, I realized this “gift” had book potential. Women just like you—in the throes of life-defining decisions—could benefit from practical generational guidance, along with the assurance, You Got This!
The pages that follow have been a work in progress for over twenty years and therefore the content has evolved over time. Let me explain. In my role as a personal and professional development coach and trainer, I’ve had the privilege of helping men and women across all walks of life uncover blind spots, overcome challenges, and close the gap between who they are now and who they want to be. And I say “who” they are and “who” they want to be instead of “where” they are and “where” they want to be because we can only alter where we’re going by first recognizing and adjusting who we’re being; who we’re showing up as in our day-to-day lives. It’s always exciting to see the transformation! The thrill of being part of that process never gets old. Bolstered by their newfound confidence, clients have made bolder moves, improved the quality of their relationships, and become the architects of their own lives. I’m excited and honored to help you do the same!
Interestingly, throughout the years, some patterns began to emerge, especially among my female coaching clients and workshop participants. As they articulated their goals and visions—along with their fears and frustrations—it became clear that the Five Pillars of Empowerment™ were necessary to support their dreams and aspirations: Self-Confidence, Courage, Assertiveness, Resilience, and Self-Acceptance. Courage, as I define it here, is the willingness to acknowledge your worth, step out of your comfort zone, take risks, and pursue your passions.
As I was refining You Got This! and developing the Action Steps for each chapter, I began to intertwine the Five Pillars of Empowerment with some of the biggest challenges women are facing in their twenties and thirties: dating; self-respect; setting boundaries; relationships with friends, family, and colleagues; learning from life’s disappointments; following their dreams; and reaching their full potential.
While each vignette-style chapter focuses on a life lesson in one of those areas, the chapters are also designed to help you build one or more (usually more!) of the Five Pillars of Empowerment. Again, they are Self-Confidence, Courage, Assertiveness, Resilience, and Self-Acceptance. To help you remember these pillars and establish a benchmark to review and measure your progress, I’ve developed the acronym SCARS, as in the battle SCARS we invariably and proudly develop as we step into the arena, à la Brené Brown, and play full out!
In Part One: The Dating Game, I’ll share practical advice like “Avoid the Tendency to Overcompensate for Previous Relationship Flaws” and “Don’t Date Sprinters If You’re Looking for a Long-Distance Runner.” In the life lesson, “Love is Like Being in a Boxing Ring,” you’ll discover you can’t guard your heart and leave it open at the same time, along with strategies to help you “get back in the ring.”
One of the biggest decisions you will ever make is choosing a life partner. In fact, studies show that fulfilling relationships lead to higher levels of happiness. And the choice of a life partner has a profound effect on a person’s overall quality of life. Yet, many women find the right one to be elusive. That’s why The Dating Game is its own section and includes pitfalls to watch out for; warning signs, many of which others did not consider. Even if you’re already married, I hope you’ll still read through this section. I promise there will be something helpful and entertaining you can share with your single friends and relatives.
In some ways, You Got This! evolves right along with you.
Part Two: Respect Yourself/Setting Boundaries/Kindred Spirits focuses on themes that set a foundation for fulfillment and future success. You’ll build confidence as you find your voice in the thick of unfamiliar or uncomfortable conversations. For example, in chapter 27, “Confrontation Doesn’t Have to Be Confrontational,” I share a six-step process to help you assertively and fearlessly navigate an otherwise difficult exchange. You’ll also learn in chapter 23 why “Invisible Boundaries Are Worse than No Boundaries at All.” And if you’re struggling to forgive someone, I’ll explain why forgiveness is not simply a gift you give the other person, but one you give yourself.
The three themes in Part Two are interrelated. Self-respect is the value we place on ourselves. And the boundaries we set—or fail to set—reflect that value. Both are foundational to building and maintaining “kindred spirits” with our friends, family, and colleagues. There’s an abundance of research correlating clear boundaries with confidence, personal growth, mutual respect, career advancement, mental health, and lower levels of stress and anxiety. According to one study in The Journal of Positive Psychology, women who set clear boundaries have better coping strategies and can navigate difficult situations more effectively.
Among the biggest regrets people report later in life is not having reached their full potential or not having pursued their passions when they were younger. Part Three: Strike Three Doesn’t Mean You’re Out/Follow Your Dreams/Step Into the Best Version of You is all about reaching your full potential in spite of—and sometimes because of—hurdles and disappointments along the way. In “Run Your Own Race,” I encourage you to compete against yourself instead of competing against others. One approach encourages continuous growth and the other tugs on your insecurities. In “Accountability Makes No Excuses,” you’ll find there are varying degrees of accountability and why choosing the top tier is really the only option if you want to elevate your relationships and your reputation. In the life lesson, “We See Exactly What We’re Looking For,” we’ll explore the concept of Intentional Perspective and the importance of adjusting the lens through which we view relationships, work, and opportunities.
While I certainly offer plenty of tips and advice, I also pose lots of questions designed to help you take a deeper dive into your choices and the motivation behind them. Questions that build your critical thinking muscle so that your personal development journey extends far beyond the pages of this book. Questions to inspire you to be the best possible version of yourself . . . and to empower you to support and mentor other women to do the same.
What you can expect from this book: a series of lightbulb moments, sparked by stories, insights, tips, and strategies to help you claim the life, the love, the respect, and the opportunities you want and deserve.
What not to expect: While there are many noteworthy books that explore religious, political, and social issues, I’ve chosen to focus on topics that unite, rather than divide, us. That being said, most of the Action Steps in each chapter can be applied to a variety of situations.
Although much of the content in this book is relevant to men, it has been written with a female audience in mind. I hope to foster a spirit of women helping women. We need each other. We need the village. And while you’re not my daughter, you are someone’s daughter. And that’s reason enough for me to want to contribute to you in a meaningful way.
I’m grateful you’ve chosen to invest in this book, and more importantly, that you’ve chosen to invest in yourself. Throughout the pages that follow, I’ll share forty-six micro life lessons along with no-nonsense Action Steps to help you put insights and advice into practice. Names (and sometimes details) have been changed to protect the innocent . . . and the guilty. Although You Got This! can be a solo journey, please consider reading this with a friend, or even an “accountabili-buddy.” Supporting each other and exchanging experiences, past and present, will help you to see your growth, and your life, as a journey instead of a checklist. Besides, everything’s better when we share it with someone—except, maybe, that last serving of Häagen-Dazs Vanilla Swiss Almond!
I’m rooting for you to lean in. To claim your seat at the table—whether that’s the conference table, the kitchen table, the negotiations table, or the round table. I’m rooting for you to come into your own and step into the best version of yourself with confidence, optimism, and the unwavering belief that You Got This!
